So then I met him, the exact personification of my type. We’re going to call him Jon with no H because that’s the kind of guy he was. Seriously.
It should be known that there’s a guy at my school whose name is actually Jon with no H and I even thought he was cute for a while. My friend Tatiana decided to help me get with him by making out with a little and dating him for a few months. Surprisingly that did not help my cause. He is not, however, the kid I’m talking about.
In my high school full of track team stars and future teen pregnancy cases, Jon’s demure, pompous, arrogant personality was a breath of fresh air. He liked classic literature and film noire. He scoffed when I said I really just liked the Avengers and made me sit through like all the movies Quentin Tarantino has ever made.
One day after a heated argument about his decision to not go to college to pursue his love of directing, I told him he would end up working at Blockbuster and recommending slasher flicks to housewives and he told me he had to suffer for his art like the great Tarantino had done. And I ate it up because he seemed so worldly and Avant guarde. He was so in love with himself I found it hard not to fall for him as well. He wasn’t worried about being nice or getting high grades because he was so above the system. That and he had really green eyes and wore batman tee shirts.
So with all the grace of someone on an infomercial and all the poise of the person you yell at in a scary movie to not go down those stairs godammit, I began to flirt. And by flirt, I mean stroke his ego like no tomorrow.
Jon: I don’t know how I feel about Tim Burton’s use of German expressionism, it seems so forced.
Jon: it really all boils down to mise en scene.
Jon: the framing of a shot and juxtaposition of characters can just make the scene.
Me: ha-ha wow how philosophical of you, you’re so…
Jon: Smart…I know. Don’t strain yourself trying to find more adjectives.
Me: you sure do know movies!
Jon: Morgan, for the last time, its FILM.
So it worked, kind of. We hung out quite a bit through September and when October rolled around it was Halloween dance time. And even though Halloween and school dances were under him, Jon asked me to go with him. This was my first high school dance and the boy I liked had asked me to it. Was I excited? I was planning the wedding. I was someone who never told anyone that I liked them to save them the embarrassment. No boy had paid any attention to me, ever. I knew high school was going to be my turning point, it had to be!
I wore the tightest thing possible: the sexy kitten costume. I mean I had wanted to go as Super girl but Jon questioned the quality of my ability to look like her. Yeah he was a total asshole; I think that’s been established. So I donned what I thought made me look hot, and let me tell you…it did. Blonde hair blown out, thigh high leather boots, fishnets, a butt hugging black skirt, and so much cleavage that my 36 DDD looked like EEEs. And of course, the cat ears that made it a costume and not a back page ad.
Jon decided to go as Marty Mcfly as Calvin Klein in Back to the future. Meaning he dressed exactly how he normally did and put on a jean jacket. The look was pretty funny on him as he looked a bit like tin tin with a permanent scowl. Or tinkerbell or a lesbian. I went to his house first and he decided to walk me there because hey that’s what they do in those classic 80’s teen movies. When I got to his house his mom opened the door and I mustered up all the sweetness I could manage while looking like a call girl. To be fair I think his mom was just happy I was a girl, but with all of the makeup I had on, it could have been some pretty convincing drag. His parents were the worst kind of people: creationists. A super religious bunch that really seemed to get a kick out of the fact that their son might not go to hell for sodomy after all.
His dog somewhat attacked me while he laughed a bit and I really should have taken that as a sign but I was not about to let psychopathy ruin my night goddammit.
My female friends all told me I looked incredible when I got there.
“You can’t even tell it’s you Morgan!”
“You’re like… hot-ish!”
“Ok maybe more like normal for once”
“It’s great do it more often”
“Is Tessa here yet?”
“Seriously I haven’t seen her, could you tell her to find me when she gets here?”
“Wow Jon is really lucky!”
To the last one he thoughtfully replied: “Woah, we’re not a thing or anything like that I mean wow just no way jose”
This quite possibly should have been sign number two but did I mention he was cute? I laughed it off and attributed it to the fact that labels were obviously under us I mean we were alternative and smart and much too mature for things like romance and affection and eye contact. And so what if my night was pretty shitty because he refused to dance to top 10 chart songs, a guy liked me enough to go to something that demeaned him. It was almost like practice for when he would ultimately have to buy tampons for me at some point.
So I sucked it up and sucked in my stomach because wow that skirt was freaking tight and smiled like a Stepford wife. I felt really pretty for once in my life. I’m telling you it’s the magic of the sexy cat costume, I totally get why 8/10 girls wear it on Halloween. It was all going great until this random girl showed up and he started talking to her. I mean she was clearly his type; she also had gone the too cool for a costume route. At least I think it wasn’t a costume. It could have quite possibly be a reference to an obscure cult film. It was like she had waved the “cute alternative” flag in his face. What a bitch, couldn’t she see that’s what I was suppressing my personality to do?
So we hung out in an odd polyamorous triad at the back of the school cafeteria that had been converted into a dance hall while all the other students romantically gave each other blow jobs to the soothing sounds of Nicki Minaj. Jon with no H and mystery girl were in some heated discussion on whether or not she could pull of a Helena Boehme Carter look while I did my best to look cute. And during all this not even a single greasy teen boy tried to grind on me so Jon would get jealous like I was offended at least give me the opportunity to reject you. So I wandered away out of curiosity, I mean they had to notice if I just left right? They did not.
I managed to make my way to the bathroom and take a lap around the school track before I decided it just wasn’t fun to discover seniors in compromising positions anymore, (it loses its hilarity after like the fifteenth pair).
Some great things you can learn when hiding from your date in a bathroom:
How to whistle
The alphabet backwards
That Stacy has chlamydia and Maggie is great for a good time
Five new names for your hoo ha
I came back to my date ceremoniously sucking on the other girl’s face. I had to cough like at least 7 times for him to notice I was back. As they pulled apart for him to ask me to politely leave-
Ok now I know what you’re thinking: Morgan you must have come back with a gale force of sass so strong it physically pulled the smirk off his face. I bet you ripped that girl’s weave off and wore it as a macabre mark of your territory. You made someone hold your cat ears while you slapped her. And Maury came out and told you that you were not the father. You became a whole team of Amazonian woman and stomped on them with stilettos and war chants while your blonde locks were stained red by the blood of your enemies-
-I stuttered a bit and sat at one of the lunch tables for the rest of the evening surrounded by fake mist. On paper I can think of a comeback to fast it would beat Bolt at the Olympics as long as it had a ten second head start, but in real life I was more of a deer in the headlights.
The worst part? I couldn’t leave. The douche canoe was my ride home. Eventually his dad came around with the minivan to ruin the magical romantic evening. Oh dear, how would I ever survive. Jon had gotten a new girlfriend and made sure to kiss her goodbye as I tripped into the back seat flashing his father. His dad looked at me for an explanation and apparently “I hear sharing is in now” wasn’t what he was looking for.
So after the world’s most awkward car ride, we got to my house at around midnight. Jon’s dad suggested quite enthusiastically that he walk me to my door. The conversation went something like this:
Dad: Hey Jon it’s really dark outside.
Jon: great observation dad.
Dad: maybe you could help Morgan to her door?
Dad: but *wink* you could, you know, help her to her door and say goodnight.
Jon: I’m sure she can manage on her own.
If you can believe it, that was only date number one. There was another. No, really. Stay tuned for that train wreck.